It’s hard to explain this, but I’m feeling strong, and like I have a new clarity about life. I’ve been talking to friends about this process, and my psychologist, and I just joined a FB group for bereaved moms, where we express all the feelings and thoughts that come up.
One of the moms in my group posted about a Buddhist saying, “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional”, and how some bereaved parents are actually offended by this notion, as though they honour their deceased children by suffering. I think the exact opposite; we honour them by living full lives, by being happy, and especially by being fully present parents to our living children. My psychologist told me today, it is natural to feel guilty that you are actually feeling the benefits of an enhanced quality of life. We are no longer bound by hospital appointments, the possibility of hearing bad news at anytime, or watching our child suffer. Guilt hampers healing and we cannot change what has happened. By stepping outside the grief for periods of time, and enjoying friends, family, laughter, etc. we gain the strength we need to weather the tough times. I cannot tell you what a relief it was to hear this.
I grieved so much from the time we were told that he would die. Now I have the opportunity to think about him as much as I want, and to treasure the many, many memories I have, and to feel that is still here, in my heart, and always will be.
I know we face rough times ahead, but I am looking to the future and to basking in the love that surrounds us, always with gratitude for the time we had with our precious Ollie.